JOKES...

DOCTOR JOKES :


► "I don't get it," Oliver told his doctor. " When i stand on my head, all the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't that happen when i stand on my feet?"
The doctor replied, "Your feet aren't empty."


► Q: What are the most important things a doctor learns at medical school?
     A: To write prescriptions illegibly and bills legibly. 


► "Don't worry," the doctor told the patient. " Your pulse is as steady as a clock."
     "That's because you've got your hand on my wristwatch!"  


► " I have got good news and bad news," The doctor told dexter over the phone. " The good news is that you've got twenty-four hours to live."
"That's the good news??" Dexter said. "What could the bad news possibly be?"
"I have been trying to reach you since yesterday!"


► A woman said to her husband, "I just received a note from Dr.Benson about our party, but his writing was atrocious. I can't tell whether he's accepted out invitation or declined.
"Why don't you take it to a pharmacist," her husband suggested. "These people can always read doctor's writing"
So the women did as her husband suggested. The pharmacist looked at the writing, disappeared behind the counter, and returned a few minutes later with a small package. 
"That'll be thirty-five dollars," he said.


► A women rushed into the office, "Doctor, what's wrong with me ?"
The man slipped his hands into the pockets of his tweed jacket and studied the woman. :For one thing, you are too fat. For another, you use way too much eye shadow. Also, your breath smells. And one more thing."
"What??", the stunned woman asked.
" You cant' read. This is a bookstore!"


► Old Henry went to see his doctor.
"How does it feel to be ninety ?", the doctor asked his longtime patient.
"Not bad at all. And i attribute it to a ritual i adhere to religiously."
"Tell me about it.  May be i can pass it along to my other patients."
The patient said, " When i wake each morning, the housekeeper brings me a black coffee and the newspaper. I drink my coffee while i read my newspaper.
"And then??"
"And then," said Old Henry, " If i am not in the obituary column, I get up."


► Dr.Einstein and his wife were walking down the street when a stunning redhead in hot pants gave a wave to the doctor. 
"Who was that ?" Mrs.Einstein asked.
"Oh, just someone i know professionally."
Mrs.Einstein asked, "Your profession or hers??"


DENTISTS


► Dentist : I m going to have to charge you three hundred dollars for pulling that tooth.
Sharma : But why ? i thought the fee was only one hundred dollars.
Dentist: Normally it is, but you screams scared off my next two customers...


► The dentist got home and, seeing his wife in tight shorts and a tight top leaped on top of her.
As he passed a hand beneath her waist-band, she said," Honey , please! you've had your hand in peoples' mouth all day!"


► The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.  The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.  "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?!"


► A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"  She said, "No?"  "Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.  Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands!  Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."  But she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he suddenly had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.  The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"


► The dentist said to the patient, " There's good news and bad news. The good news is that your teeth are in excellent shape.
"And the bad news ??"
" Your gums are so bad, they've all got to come out."


►Mrs.Roy was shaking as she sat down in the dentist's chair.
"Dr.Wesson, I really hate coming to get my teeth filled. I think i would rather have a baby."
"Well," said the dentist," make up your mind so i will know which way to adjust the chair."


► Q: What happened when the judge decided to practice dentistry on the side ? 
     A: She believed in extracting the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. 


► Dona said to her friend, " My dad's teeth are all his own." 
"You mean he finally finished paying for them?"


► Mrs.Horton called the dentist just before midnight.
"Sorry to call so late, but we have got a bit of an emergency here. You see, my son was kissing his girlfriend a while ago and........"
" Don't tell me," said the dentist,"locked braces." 
"That's right," said the Mrs.Horton.
"I'll be right there, and don't worry.... I have had to unlock kids' braces all the time...."
 Mr.Horton said, " From an 'IUD' ??"


HOSPITALS


► The doctor took a week off and went hunting in the hills. When he got back to the hospital, a nurse asked," How was your trip?"
"I didn't kill a thing!",he complained.
"Hmph!", she said." You'd have been better off staying here."


►"I will bet your wife misses you a great deal," the nurse told the patient.
"nope", said the patient. "I'm here because her aim is excellent!" 


►After putting Hector in a body cast, the emergency doctor came over to get some information from him.
"What do you do for a living? ", he asked.
"i used to be a window washer," said Hector.
"Used to be? when did you quit?"
Hector replied,"About halfway down."


► "My father's been in the hospital for a month," little Rose told her teacher.
"I am sorry to hear that",the teacher said. "What's wrong ?"
"Nothing,"said rose. "He just became a Doctor."


►Dr.Alright walked into the young woman's room. "Good morning. Ms.Tosh. Would you mind disrobing for me ?"
"But Dr.Carl just examined me thoroughly and said i was in perfect shape!"
"Yes", said Dr.Alright,"he told me."


►Vinay had just picked Carla for their first date. As they were pulling away form her apartment building, Carla said," I once had a breast enlargement surgery. Want to see where ?"
Nearly losing control of the Car, Vinay said, "Yeah, sure!"
She pointed out the Apollo hospital as they drove past.